'Cos I'm not ready to be an earth mother...
Well, I'm back...... kinda......just running a little jog before I get back into the full marathon. So what's happened to me of late.....well I suppose the most important news is that I quit my job. You know the one that was sending me insane. Oh and I'm moving from the big smoke to the south west.....it's all in aid of the mighty life downsize....not gone the full "Good Life" but on my way there....
I have lost my will to write of late....but I still like to read the writings of others......because sometimes they can say it better.
Somenights
she leaves them in
until they have made love.
She likes to see clearly
the lines and curves of bodies.
To watch eyes, his mouth.
Somenights she enjoys that.
Othernights
when taken by the mood
she takes them out before
and abandons herself
to her blurred stranger.
Other senses compete to compensate.
Without lenses, blindly accepts her fate.
My life is all one huge tick list:
Work has a tick list relating to all the separate tick lists I have for all the projects I'm working on!
I'm going on holiday next week.......and I need to write a tick list.....
I have a mental tick list of personal life things. They plague me, I haven't done them yet.....the two Xmas thank you letters I haven't sent yet....the £20 I keep meaning to chase my housemate for.........arranging the meal to take my sister out for her birthday....AND I haven't done them yet!
In my dreams, walking along a deserted tropical beach; there it is......a tick list written in the sand!
Warmed by the summer sun, sitting in a restaurant in 'The Prisoner'esque Dulwich Village, I'm feeling the happiest I have ever felt in my life. It's as if I have stolen someone else's life and gone "thanks, I'll be living your life from now on!" I don't necessarily owe it to my new man, but more to the interaction of us in our relationship. With very little effort involved, we fit perfectly, and I didn't know that this was possible. Admittedly my experience is limited, and so I may have set my relationship expectations a bit low in the first place.
The joy I feel in my personal life does however have it's down falls.......
The beam of my happiness torch has cast a shadow over my work life. I now believe I can be happy in my personal life, so why not my work life. I have been so committed to my work life for so long, I've been swept along with all the expectations and career paths that have been set for me....this becomes more rife in the London environment
......MONEY....CAREER...SOCIAL....POOR......MONEY.....CAREER......
Okay, deep breath "I don't want to live in London anymore".
I moved to London for two reasons:
To never regret not having done the 'London Thing'
To move in with the, now defunct, boyfriend
Good then, bad now.
Time for a refresh.
I chastise myself on a daily basis, having checked my daily blog reading list, that I have not updated in such a long time. The guilt catches me then and when I least expect it.....when I have a wistful and heartfelt "oh I'd like to write about that"!
But then I thought....well why not write about the non-blogging issue.
I haven't written for a number of reasons....
I haven't felt the compulsion to post. I remember what motivated me to write was the emotions I held inside needed to be 'written down' to be expelled from my body to avoid the potential downward spiral and inevitable 'moonchild blows her top' incidents. However, of late I have found something else...or should I say someone else to relieve that pressure (no filth intended).
Previously, I may have had a shit day or someone's said something to my sensitive (overly) soul and I would smart and berate myself until sleepful exhaustion took me. On waking I would rejoin the downward spiral to misery. Yet now I get pissed off....I mumph....mutter a bit....then converse with Mr D...and it's gone...just gone
" Now you see it....now you don't"
Totally bloody revelation to me....not even much of a return to it the following morning......no emotional time bomb to explode onto a web page.
Secondly, the aforementioned new influence of my life is aware of both existence and location of said blog.....making it difficult to have the detachment with the certain degree of anonymity. Sometimes he thinks (and he will) that I need this detachment to enable me to talk about the negatives (understandable given my blog history). But.....see there are no negatives to inform on.....s'all good.
So.....I could talk about 'good', positive stuff....despite the fact that it lacks the descriptive vocabulary that misery evokes.....but to me it can make me feel like I'm being sycophantic..... Whilst this is a praise worthy trait in my Catholic background as an individual....its a NO-NO.
So......I'm happy...there yer go......
All you're ever told once the drunken partying is over is that now's the opportunity to make changes that you never got 'round to last year......New Year, New You.
SHUUUUUUUT UPPPP
I'm always get very motivated making my mental list of resolutions.....and then the clock ticks to 12.01am and it's gone!
......the blues sets in.
Out of my list of 10ish New Years Resolutions (the same ones every year) I have only embarked on ONE. That'll be the stopping smoking....shame I still need the drug to support me in patch form.
I know, I know, as all the self help books say (trust me I've read most of them), you have to recondition your behaviour..... and this takes time.
As per Mr Bob Dillon, or whoever he nicked the words from, said......I'm all out of time!
Dangerous.....this is very dangerous for me.....'cause I know what I do when I feel like this....I make snap decisions.....
......its has been running through my mind today:
"I QUIT"
Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
