.....out damn spot

I was doing so well...religiously posting everyday, but then illness struck. In my debilitated state I had the free time to achieve a totally miserable existence. Too much time on my hands to reflect and start making my eyes look like ping-pong balls. I've been very much in a quandary of late. PPQ and I had a bit of a heated debate a few weeks ago. Nothing serious, the outcome being that we deal with the obstacles that life throws at us, in very different ways. My attitude is very much inherited from Doozer. Gulp down the last lingering sobs and inhale as deep as you can....avoid catching someone's eye...else you're lost. You know that if you let someone catch that glimpse that you'll break. I've shattered so many times that the cracks are starting to show. I've lain broken on the floor and wondered if it's really worth scrambling back up. You get up again and feel that now's the time to start opening your eyes and let people in, then someone reminds you that you're still bashing your head against that wall...it's just been a different brick wall.

My three dimensions and so intrinsically linked and yet so in disagreement that I repeatedly return to the same crossroads. My head has no problem, all for the best....couldn't go on like that. My lust...I can get over that obstacle and my desire outstrips my need to become a born again virgin.....but my heart...there's the problem. It's what always leads me back to this desolate landscape. My heart still reminds me on first waking and as I slip into unconsciousness at night. I was responsible for it's souring when I let my pragmatic head take control.

I struggle to remind myself of another time that I felt like this, in order to prescribe myself a remedy. There's only been one other occasion when I felt such a gut wrenching sense of loss. When Grand-doozer died, it wasn't a shock and had been coming for some time. She'd had a good life and now it was her time to leave us. As I held her porcelain hand in mine I said my goodbyes and I could let it go. This doesn't help my current predicament.....he's still here, still saying "talk to me, I'm here to listen". Unfortunately he's not ready to explain to me why he let me fall on my own sword. You see he always hoped that I choose him not the next guy and I made that commitment and now find it hard to rescind. " I fear that you will stop looking as you think that there is nothing more to see.....". I didn't stop seeing, but I knew that he had and so I let him take his own path alone.

So what am I left with...a heart that tells me "go on, cry a bit more...you still haven't done enough, you haven't despised yourself and the choices you've made enough. Go on punish yourself more......it means nothing if you haven't wished the end to your meagre existence at least once a day".