Back from holiday and......

I'm stuck in a rut....it's a good type of rut, but I didn't know I'd feel like this.
I sit here frozen, ensconced in comfortable night attire, trying to coax myself into normality. Why?

Because a friend truly believed in the phrase:
"the ends justify the means"

Yes the ends are good....indeed very good, but it now leaves me in my current state of disorientation and....."shit", I'm terrified.

DM2 decided that it would be a good idea to construct a situation where....DM1 and I be left alone!
Well it was OK...... as Tannoy boy had already announced it to the entire world?!?!!?

Dumped in the wilds of South London (while the rest of them bolstered their sobriety with food) DM1 and I were forced to confront the fact that......well we rather liked each other.....in a more than friends context.

We stumble to the next agreed rendez vous, followed by the beeping of texts from Eve going "are you alright?" and DM2's "please forgive me?"
Arriving at your friendly sauff london pub, bedecked in gaudy christmas lights, we sit like very out of place boozers!!

I can quite honestly say that I have never been in this situation before. I always fancied someone.....or they fancied me.....there's always an imbalance of attraction somewhere. Yet, here there is not...the scales of affection are perfectly balanced!!!!
But this is what racks my body with fear and immobility. I've never been here before...I've just found myself and don't want to lose what I've gained in the last 10 months.

I know what I'm like....I'm at my best when all is unsaid and just felt. Once said, it's out there, swirling around in the 'relationship' dominion, waiting for me to do something about it. Flippant and flirtatious I can do, but now I automatically move into over analysis mode....which falters my step, my speech, my touch.

I hear myself whimpering instead of jumping for joy. I wasn't given time to navigate the path myself. I was cheated and will not learn the route myself; if faced with it again.

And so I wonder around the rooms of my flat, muttering like an eccentric cat lady; shouting "fuck, wank, shit" at the ghosts of my path......'cause I adore him and all my confidence has been blown away.......