l'enfantdelalune

Ahem

2006-05-15T23:17:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm back...... kinda......just running a little jog before I get back into the full marathon. So what's happened to me of late.....well I suppose the most important news is that I quit my job. You know the one that was sending me insane. Oh and I'm moving from the big smoke to the south west.....it's all in aid of the mighty life downsize....not gone the full "Good Life" but on my way there....

Contact Lenses....by Roger McGough

2005-06-13T14:00:00.000+01:00

I have lost my will to write of late....but I still like to read the writings of others......because sometimes they can say it better.

Somenights
she leaves them in
until they have made love.
She likes to see clearly
the lines and curves of bodies.
To watch eyes, his mouth.
Somenights she enjoys that.

Othernights
when taken by the mood
she takes them out before
and abandons herself
to her blurred stranger.
Other senses compete to compensate.
Without lenses, blindly accepts her fate.

Tick List

2005-04-25T15:36:00.000+01:00

My life is all one huge tick list:

Work has a tick list relating to all the separate tick lists I have for all the projects I'm working on!
I'm going on holiday next week.......and I need to write a tick list.....

I have a mental tick list of personal life things. They plague me, I haven't done them yet.....the two Xmas thank you letters I haven't sent yet....the £20 I keep meaning to chase my housemate for.........arranging the meal to take my sister out for her birthday....AND I haven't done them yet!

In my dreams, walking along a deserted tropical beach; there it is......a tick list written in the sand!

Happiness Torch

2005-04-13T14:03:00.000+01:00

Warmed by the summer sun, sitting in a restaurant in 'The Prisoner'esque Dulwich Village, I'm feeling the happiest I have ever felt in my life. It's as if I have stolen someone else's life and gone "thanks, I'll be living your life from now on!" I don't necessarily owe it to my new man, but more to the interaction of us in our relationship. With very little effort involved, we fit perfectly, and I didn't know that this was possible. Admittedly my experience is limited, and so I may have set my relationship expectations a bit low in the first place.

The joy I feel in my personal life does however have it's down falls.......

The beam of my happiness torch has cast a shadow over my work life. I now believe I can be happy in my personal life, so why not my work life. I have been so committed to my work life for so long, I've been swept along with all the expectations and career paths that have been set for me....this becomes more rife in the London environment

......MONEY....CAREER...SOCIAL....POOR......MONEY.....CAREER......

Okay, deep breath "I don't want to live in London anymore".

I moved to London for two reasons:
To never regret not having done the 'London Thing'
To move in with the, now defunct, boyfriend

Good then, bad now.

Time for a refresh.

Something I heard the other day.......

2005-02-03T15:15:00.000Z

"You Travel to find a place that's home"

hhhmn..........

Sometimes failure is good.......

2005-01-31T13:57:00.000Z

I chastise myself on a daily basis, having checked my daily blog reading list, that I have not updated in such a long time. The guilt catches me then and when I least expect it.....when I have a wistful and heartfelt "oh I'd like to write about that"!

But then I thought....well why not write about the non-blogging issue.

I haven't written for a number of reasons....

I haven't felt the compulsion to post. I remember what motivated me to write was the emotions I held inside needed to be 'written down' to be expelled from my body to avoid the potential downward spiral and inevitable 'moonchild blows her top' incidents. However, of late I have found something else...or should I say someone else to relieve that pressure (no filth intended).

Previously, I may have had a shit day or someone's said something to my sensitive (overly) soul and I would smart and berate myself until sleepful exhaustion took me. On waking I would rejoin the downward spiral to misery. Yet now I get pissed off....I mumph....mutter a bit....then converse with Mr D...and it's gone...just gone

" Now you see it....now you don't"

Totally bloody revelation to me....not even much of a return to it the following morning......no emotional time bomb to explode onto a web page.

Secondly, the aforementioned new influence of my life is aware of both existence and location of said blog.....making it difficult to have the detachment with the certain degree of anonymity. Sometimes he thinks (and he will) that I need this detachment to enable me to talk about the negatives (understandable given my blog history). But.....see there are no negatives to inform on.....s'all good.

So.....I could talk about 'good', positive stuff....despite the fact that it lacks the descriptive vocabulary that misery evokes.....but to me it can make me feel like I'm being sycophantic..... Whilst this is a praise worthy trait in my Catholic background as an individual....its a NO-NO.

So......I'm happy...there yer go......

Can't beat the New Year Blues.....

2005-01-13T14:42:00.000Z

All you're ever told once the drunken partying is over is that now's the opportunity to make changes that you never got 'round to last year......New Year, New You.

SHUUUUUUUT UPPPP

I'm always get very motivated making my mental list of resolutions.....and then the clock ticks to 12.01am and it's gone!

......the blues sets in.

Out of my list of 10ish New Years Resolutions (the same ones every year) I have only embarked on ONE. That'll be the stopping smoking....shame I still need the drug to support me in patch form.

I know, I know, as all the self help books say (trust me I've read most of them), you have to recondition your behaviour..... and this takes time.

As per Mr Bob Dillon, or whoever he nicked the words from, said......I'm all out of time!

Dangerous.....this is very dangerous for me.....'cause I know what I do when I feel like this....I make snap decisions.....

......its has been running through my mind today:

"I QUIT"

Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

I don't need you anymore.....

2004-12-31T11:58:00.000Z

My poor blog has suffered such neglect.....i'm sorry for not taking you out for your daily walkies.....but you know it's not laziness......it's the fear that now that I find myself in ecstatic bliss that the best of my emotive language is lost to the virtual world and has moved into reality.
I'm at my best in rant mode...or miserable mode....they are emotions that force you to face life and shout loud and clear about the tempest that's building inside you.

Well what use is happiness.....you just float around in a imbecilic daze!

Having transferred into the relationshipped-up division of this game of life, I am still faced with the impact that this has on my world of friends and family. Perhaps it may seem to others that I take all of this too seriously.....but having been interrogated over the yuletide break about my 'New Bloke' by ALL and sundry......I don't think I am.

I have been intent on maintaining all friendships whilst discovering the revelation that all men aren't shits.

I remember back when I first met Moonface......he was my first love and I suppose I was overwhelmed by the reality of how intimacy can envelop you.

It became difficult to maintain relationships.....to still catch up with the girls......to still feel that closeness of having the bestest friends in the whole wide world.

But it blew up in my face...."we never ask if you want to come out with us.....'cause you're always with him"

GUILT, REGRET.......I'm the scum of the earth.....

It's taken me many years of sorrow over lost friendships and hard work to build up a cosy blanket of the best friends a girl can have....the place where it's all warm and fuzzy and you don't have to play the "I'm an enigma card" to maintain other's interest in you.

As I venture into this new world with one of these friends.....now prefixed with 'boy'......I vowed I would not make the same mistakes again.

"No, I'm not one of those girls who once she gets a boyfriend, the friends fall by the wayside"

But of late, I have realised that I never have been.......

You forget that others can make that decision for you....that they see you in a budding new relationship and just assume thats where you rather be.......well yes they're right......but to not be given the choice....to fight against the on-slaught of assumption in order to maintain a balance.

I'm giving up on the "trying to please everyone all of the time"....'cause it's making me feel shit.....and it's making Mr D (aka DM1) think that he has to give me space to do this.....the last thing I want at this time is space between us........

Back from holiday and......

2004-12-02T20:02:00.000Z

I'm stuck in a rut....it's a good type of rut, but I didn't know I'd feel like this.
I sit here frozen, ensconced in comfortable night attire, trying to coax myself into normality. Why?

Because a friend truly believed in the phrase:
"the ends justify the means"

Yes the ends are good....indeed very good, but it now leaves me in my current state of disorientation and....."shit", I'm terrified.

DM2 decided that it would be a good idea to construct a situation where....DM1 and I be left alone!
Well it was OK...... as Tannoy boy had already announced it to the entire world?!?!!?

Dumped in the wilds of South London (while the rest of them bolstered their sobriety with food) DM1 and I were forced to confront the fact that......well we rather liked each other.....in a more than friends context.

We stumble to the next agreed rendez vous, followed by the beeping of texts from Eve going "are you alright?" and DM2's "please forgive me?"
Arriving at your friendly sauff london pub, bedecked in gaudy christmas lights, we sit like very out of place boozers!!

I can quite honestly say that I have never been in this situation before. I always fancied someone.....or they fancied me.....there's always an imbalance of attraction somewhere. Yet, here there is not...the scales of affection are perfectly balanced!!!!
But this is what racks my body with fear and immobility. I've never been here before...I've just found myself and don't want to lose what I've gained in the last 10 months.

I know what I'm like....I'm at my best when all is unsaid and just felt. Once said, it's out there, swirling around in the 'relationship' dominion, waiting for me to do something about it. Flippant and flirtatious I can do, but now I automatically move into over analysis mode....which falters my step, my speech, my touch.

I hear myself whimpering instead of jumping for joy. I wasn't given time to navigate the path myself. I was cheated and will not learn the route myself; if faced with it again.

And so I wonder around the rooms of my flat, muttering like an eccentric cat lady; shouting "fuck, wank, shit" at the ghosts of my path......'cause I adore him and all my confidence has been blown away.......

Just fell out of the cynic tree

2004-11-07T22:00:00.000Z

I'm one of those people who really cannot bear the behaviour inherrant in 'coupledom'. My reactions are bad enough when I'm in a relationship, let alone....when I'm alone.

"quick stick some tape over MC's mouth before she shouts verbal abuse"

The couple who ram their tongues down each others throats in your local while you're quietly supping a Monday night drink with friends. "God get a room!!"

Or the lass 'heehawing' at her beau's latest quip, and you think that you would rather be seated on a table next to some very loud Americans!

Or the couple that are dominating the width of the underground escalator, 'cause they can't bring themselves to stop being wrapped around each other...."you are not attached"!!!

Despite all this a while ago I saw that there may be a shining light after all.

*********************************************************************

They were walking towards me, playing the I wonder game; you wouldn't guess that they were anything more than friends. He outstretched his arm, turning his palm up. He took the weight of her hand as she stepped down from the kerb, gently wrapping his fingers around hers. They said nothing...but you could see that all the love that they had for each other was encapsulated in that small gesture.

*********************************************************************

It gives me hope that my cynicism is not absolute. You can have hope that romantic love does still exist and that love does not need to be a modern version of courtly love.

Sheridan....it's you darling....

2004-11-05T14:58:00.000Z

Its not such a bad habit I suppose......but it brings me to the glaring attention of others!

I kinda....erm.....get words mixed up.....a lot!

It manages to send hoots of laughter across our office.

I first noticed it at University. I couldn't write a goddamn Feminist Theory essay without getting EMANCIPATE and EMACIATE mixed up. Though I don't think it would have mattered too much, I could have plagiarised myself for my essay on eating disorders!!

Then there was the time when I asked Unlucky if he had gone all INCOGNITO......I mean INCOMMUNICADO!!! Yes PPQ and Unlucky were japing about dark glasses and false beards for weeks on that one. Though it looks like Unlucky took my advice on the beard!!

At least we've managed to turn it into a game, of sorts:

PPQ: ".......yes they are very prolific......"
MC: "What would I say?

hmnnnnnnnnn

MC & PPQ in unison: "PROPHYLACTIC"

It's all well and good, but I don't understand where it comes from. It's not as if my childhood world wasn't overflowing with words......

I ain't fick or nuffink! I couldn't escape doozer's educationalist "REPEAT AFTER ME" training, she was a teacher after all. Green Man and I were the only ones starting primary school who could already read and write.....oh the shame!!!

I digress.

I think the words must be stored in one brain compartment and the definitions in another. Unfortunately they're not linked!!!

So I sit here......checking my words in my Collins Dictionary just to pre-empt the hilarity at my expense....and withstanding the...."MC are you reading the dictionary again?!?!?!?!"; just for the joy of using words and having other people understand me.

BTW, if you are wondering what the word is.....it's MALAPROPISM.

Bountiful confusion......

2004-11-03T13:20:00.000Z

My brain is in a constant state of confusion of late......it flows with the ebb and tide and the occasional Severn bore effect.

I should at least be content that it is getting less and less about my past these days. But my indecisive behaviour is being fed by my over-analysis of things.

I have a reputation when pissed of being rather boisterous and I suppose it's just that I become more comfortable in my own skin. I know that the fact that I'm not sober allows me to be decisive and just act because that part of my brain has been deactivated.

The reappearance of a recent post relationship fling at the weekend did not help....well it did.....but it just contributes to the fact that I have a serious case of overthinkingitus. It reminded me that I have a tendency to back away from situations if I don't feel confident.

Having spent 8-9 years in a relationship you believe that you are confident when it comes to 'sexual deeds'. But I realised that this confidence only came from that relationship, not from inside me. I had forgotten that I find it hard to trust......and that loosing the reins of control that I inflict upon myself throws up that 'fight or flight' feeling in me.

Just confused that I can be in a totally comfortable situation and still give into the pressure of self doubt. In my natural state of overthinking I question the value of 'comfortability' in new intimate relationships, I always believed the the 'grrr' factor should be the initiator because it challenges you to make a decision. It says "Feel the fear and do it anyway", whereas 'comfortable' tells you to blindly carry on without challenging.

That all said, my constant internal debates highlight that.......every day I learn something new about the way human life interacts.

I just wish that my brain could accommodate it a smidgen better!

.....out damn spot

2004-10-27T15:55:00.000+01:00

I was doing so well...religiously posting everyday, but then illness struck. In my debilitated state I had the free time to achieve a totally miserable existence. Too much time on my hands to reflect and start making my eyes look like ping-pong balls. I've been very much in a quandary of late. PPQ and I had a bit of a heated debate a few weeks ago. Nothing serious, the outcome being that we deal with the obstacles that life throws at us, in very different ways. My attitude is very much inherited from Doozer. Gulp down the last lingering sobs and inhale as deep as you can....avoid catching someone's eye...else you're lost. You know that if you let someone catch that glimpse that you'll break. I've shattered so many times that the cracks are starting to show. I've lain broken on the floor and wondered if it's really worth scrambling back up. You get up again and feel that now's the time to start opening your eyes and let people in, then someone reminds you that you're still bashing your head against that wall...it's just been a different brick wall.

My three dimensions and so intrinsically linked and yet so in disagreement that I repeatedly return to the same crossroads. My head has no problem, all for the best....couldn't go on like that. My lust...I can get over that obstacle and my desire outstrips my need to become a born again virgin.....but my heart...there's the problem. It's what always leads me back to this desolate landscape. My heart still reminds me on first waking and as I slip into unconsciousness at night. I was responsible for it's souring when I let my pragmatic head take control.

I struggle to remind myself of another time that I felt like this, in order to prescribe myself a remedy. There's only been one other occasion when I felt such a gut wrenching sense of loss. When Grand-doozer died, it wasn't a shock and had been coming for some time. She'd had a good life and now it was her time to leave us. As I held her porcelain hand in mine I said my goodbyes and I could let it go. This doesn't help my current predicament.....he's still here, still saying "talk to me, I'm here to listen". Unfortunately he's not ready to explain to me why he let me fall on my own sword. You see he always hoped that I choose him not the next guy and I made that commitment and now find it hard to rescind. " I fear that you will stop looking as you think that there is nothing more to see.....". I didn't stop seeing, but I knew that he had and so I let him take his own path alone.

So what am I left with...a heart that tells me "go on, cry a bit more...you still haven't done enough, you haven't despised yourself and the choices you've made enough. Go on punish yourself more......it means nothing if you haven't wished the end to your meagre existence at least once a day".

Angel on earth.....

2004-10-15T13:26:00.000+01:00

I'm not going to go all reflective and shit...I'm not...because I am adamant at this time that looking back on what has gone is not healthy 'cause it just makes you create assumptions about where you expect your life to go in the future.

So of late I have struggled to do what I want to do, and be selfish with what I WANT! Despite my stubborn streak I always have trouble to identify what I want from life... and no doubt I will never reach 100% selfish, it's just not in my nature.

I find it really hard to throw off the shackles of expectation and other's perceptions to move forward, and so I find myself constantly angry, irritated and intolerant. I would so much rather be smiley cheery mad moonchild.

On occasions when I feel disappointed in myself I try and think back to a friend. Despite the fact that she knew she wasn't going to be with us for very long, she showed each one of us part of her soul. She got dealt the joker in the pack and I never heard a word of anger, hate or disappointment come out of her mouth.

I guess you just had to be there when she coughed up blood during Bram Stoker's Dracula.
She fucking laughed.....and we did what friends do......we laughed with her......

She spent a lot of her energies in making sure that the adult contingent of our world didn't wrap her in cotton wool...and she always got her way. She knew how to be selfish because she'd already seen the future and wanted it on her terms.

And there are days when I miss her and how she reminded me of the feelings that were worth feeling.....she was an angel on earth.....she's still here.....having an impact on my life....making every day brighter and better.

Things you shouldn't do when you've been out drinking......

2004-10-14T13:21:00.000+01:00

1am: Mmmmn Good spicy chicken wings.....Mmmmn lovely deep fried onion rings.......

7am: Ugggghhh bad spicy chicken wings......bad deep fried onion rings

There are many reasons why I don't touch chicken or onion rings when sober........especially from my local 'Chicken Spot' vendor!

Thursday Post....Part deux....

2004-10-14T13:08:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the randomness of my previous post. I was going to blog about filth today.....not the literal or figurative gutter version! But I thought it best not for two reasons:

a) PPQ has already covered it off in a more eloquent and lady-like fashion!
b) I didn't want to be accused of blantantly trying to get blog traffic through people typing in "filthy moonchild" into google!

.......Nuff said

How's it goin' Bob?

2004-10-13T14:40:00.000+01:00

Bob was a girl....cat.

No, her owner, Al, was not a fan of Blackadder goes Forth.....he just thought she was a Tom, and called her Bob.

Whilst most cats would roam the suburban landscape at night, she always knew when it would be to her advantage to linger around the house.......just at the point at which we all returned from a night at the pub!

A few of us would always land back at Al's house first, usually me (lightweight) and my brother, Green Man (Tea-boy duties). Flopping down on the old library style leather chair, I would try and coax Bob to come and sit with me. She'd saunter in swishing her tail like a grand seductress....

MC: "hey Bob...come sit with me...purrlease?"
Bob: "I'm just dandy here.....thanks"
MC: "OK Bob, I'm not in the mood to debate with you"
Bob: "Oh alright then...if I must"

She would sit on my lap gently purrrrrrrring....

MC: "Erm...Bob....could you stop doing that please?"
Bob: "Ugh......WHAT NOW?"

She was digging her delicate, but very sharp claws through the fabric of my Jeans

Bob: "God...your never happy are you?"

Bob's ears suddenly prick up.....

Bob: "Oh my god......is that them?"

The boys fall through the door, having detoured to Monty's for a Keema Naan, collapsing on the sofa. You would of thought that I had pliered out her claws...to see the way she flew off my lap......

MC: "But...Bob?!?"
Bob: "It's nothing against you......it's just that your a girl.....and I'm just purrfect.......now the boys are here"
MC: " TART......one whiff of a man"

...and the moral of this tale........don't talk to cats.......they'll just let you down!

Why won't you play....

2004-10-11T14:31:00.000+01:00

........smack my bitch up, DJ?

It was always the same question DQ and I asked whenever we were out bevvied up and in the mood for muchos dancing. We just liked The Prodigy.....oh and we knew that it would really wind some people up.........and it also generally meant that we would get the whole dance floor to ourselves.

We were getting desperate now.......it was not sufficient to turn the stereo up full blast and fling ourselves around Dancing Queen's front room after much vodka was consumed.

Our friend Genie could see our despondency.......she took pity on our dancing souls......and made a great great sacrifice.......

"OK everyone, this is a special request from the Bride for DQ and MC

.....ahem....Smack my Bitch up......enjoy!"

It truly was a sight to behold.....on the dance floor in a rather stately, stately home......me, DQ, Genie's Mum and Mum in law all enjoying the quality tune that is 'Smack my bitch up'

Today I am mostly.....

2004-10-08T15:01:00.000+01:00

....being cheery and overlooking my lapses into either:
a)misery
b)insanity
c)drunken misbehaviours

So we are going to have a poem today.....WARNING...it is not cheery.......but it's positive

We're becoming old enough
to want to change our lifestyles;
we're looking for substitutes
for sex & drugs and rock & roll.

But our dog......died
out cat.....collapsed
budgies...wouldn't.....budge.

Our rose....sank
our ferns fizzled
cactus carked it.

Yet seated around roast dinners
our parents still talk about
the possibility of grandchildren.

Our minds....boggle
our bodies....fidget
our voices....falter

We're still immature
& we'd like to be
for a few years yet

The world's not ready for our baby;
we're not ready for the world.
We're still trying to learn

how to make love properly
still trying to come to terms
with pets & death & indoor plants.

If Myron Lysenko hasn't consoled you, then go and bask in Jason's euphoria!

Euphobia Revisited....

2004-10-07T10:16:00.000+01:00

ah...now I remember there is a reason I was told from a young age "DO NOT EAT IN PUBLIC"

My team member of 1 has now taken to eating tomato soup and toast for breakfast....if it was not enough to eat lunch...HELLS TEETH as Doozer would say?!?!!?

Sorry I have not explained myself...she has an eating ROUTINE!

1) Stirs soup
2) Slurps soup
3) Swills soup around mouth to absorb full flavour of said tomato soup
4) Slaps chops
5) Brushes palms together to rid hands of toast crumbs
6) Return to point one for approximately one hour until your boss has her hands clamped over her headphones and the music won't go any louder!

*twitch*

Euphobia.....

2004-10-05T14:51:00.000+01:00

On many occasions family, friends and general passersby have mistaken some of my freak out moments as....well a bit freakish!

No more...no more I say.

If you want to know I have quite a number of phobias...or phobic tendencies to be fair to those who do. So instead of calmly explaining why there are such things as 'whistling' or 'eating noisely' embargos in my office; I'll start twitching like Herbert Lom in the 'Pink Panther'.

Here they are....enjoy:

Fear of: Crowded Bars (form of claustrophobia)
Evidence: "No too busy....out now...out now I say"

Fear of: emotional stuff (form of claustrophobia)
Muchos Evidence:
a)"No more hugs, Doozer" (moonmum) *moonchild [aged 1-29yrs] runs away, slams bedroom door......bedroom door falls off...again*
b)"If one more person goes all sugary on me.....I'm gonna.....gonna have to lamp them....sorry"
c) Many happy years spent with fellow emotional claustrophobe, Moonface.

Fear of: enclosed spaces (actual form of claustrophobia)
Evidence:Moonchild (6yrs) was playing hide and seek and got locked in a cupboard.....several very long hours later they found her....never been the same since *twitch*

Fear of: eating in public
Evidence: "*moonchild loses all memory of dietary requirements*...another round of drinks, anyone?" (this could also be intense catholic conditioning)

Fear of: Heights
Evidence:"Nope....nope...I'm not going skydiving.....nope not even the bungy jump.......nope not even the glass floor at Skytower"

Fear of: failure
Evidence:....oh why bother!

Ah...feel much better now I've got that off my chest!

...come on, I know I'm not the only one ?!?!?!

Filling the gaps....

2004-10-04T13:18:00.000+01:00

When someone who is important to you has problems, you try to offer them potential answers to their problems; or support them to make the right decision about which path they're taking in life.

What you have to realise is that its not always possible. Sometimes it's more important just to listen, this is the hardest thing to do. They have the answers, they just don't know what they are yet.

You just have to be there to tell them that you love them, that they matter to you and that you'll always be there.

...and appreciate that we all travel a fine line in life.

One of the lads.....

2004-10-01T15:52:00.000+01:00

Yes, here I was again. Sitting in a bar in an Angelic Bar past midnight. Having spent a glorious night with the friendlyist friends anyone could meet. As is my 'burden' in life, I was in the 'last to leave' crowd. Wedged on a sofa between Drunken Man 1 and Drunken Man 2, supping the last of our corona. Fighting the urge to have "just one more for the road"!

DM2 turned to me and said:

"You're really one of the lads, bet you have loads of male friends don't you"

*MC's life flashes before her eyes*

SHIT..... I had forgotten that I am one of the lads........but all my male friendships had fizzled out over the years.

-The university crowd had drifted away
-Left a lovely crowd of them in the Midlands, only seeing them when I return home
-Moonface got several of them in the 'divorce'

I had completely forgotton that I'm in my ELEMENT when I'm being a lad, I am content to get absolutely obliterated and make a complete and utter fool of myself, to be reminded at our next outing that I was "so funny when..."

There's always a different perspective in the boy's crowd.....PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. There's a sense of safety in being a lad......no more girlie insecurities and introspections.....just pure....unadulterated...LAD.....ette!

"DM1:OK I'll stay for another drink, what are you gonna offer me if I stay.....fnar...fnar"
"MC: Shut the f**k up your pissed"

"DM2: I've got a prince albert yer'know?"
"MC *wincing*: are you f**king insane?"

"DM1:Your too boney-get some fat on yer"
"MC: Which is it....you just said my spare tyre wobbled when I laughed?!"

By the way, has anyone seen DM1? Last seen on a tube platform having missed the last train home proclaiming.......

"NIGHT BUSES GO EVERYWHERE....DON'T THEY?"

What rocks my world......

2004-09-30T13:22:00.000+01:00

I went to sleep calm...and I woke up crying. This is not unusual for me. When I sleep my mind gets to process all the befuddled thoughts that plague me throughout the day. It doesn't bother me because sometimes it gives me the answers I am looking for.

Since the conclusion of my long-term relationship, I have been trying to understand that if it was not working for me-then what does?

Potential a) I loved the way that when he looked at me I felt like a catherine wheel on speed, but....

Potential b) I loved the way that we realised all our pent up desires for affection in one drunken night together, but...

Potential c) I loved the way that he sees beyond my 'shell', I can tell him absolutely anything and he makes me feel good about myself, but....

I felt attraction for all of them. Some more more genuinely than others.

I have learnt that why the phrase "its not you, it's me" has become a cliche!

All I want to understand is what rocks my world......without anyone getting hurt in the process.

I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it.

I don't want to be.......

2004-09-28T15:50:00.000+01:00

.....Inside soap! Yes we, Miss PPQ and I, have reached the heights of success in our careers. We had the honour of attending the Inside Soap awards last night. Our boss was kind enough to offer us the opportunity to replace him at this year's event (read that as he only goes to the trendy dos!).

I couldn't hide my excitement.....actually I could......'cause I wasn't!

However, the possibility of PPQ being able to meet 'Den Watts Jr.' was too much to miss. So despite my intial nervousness that I would become a drunken wallflower once PPQ had dazzled Mr Harmen with her beauty and superior intellect......we went!

I won't delight you with the embarassment we faced at the entrance, needless to say.....ok I will:

*will you stop pointing your cameras and spotlights at me, I'm not f***ing famous OK!!*

Serious relief that I do not suffer from epilepsy!

Summary of evening's highlights
-lovely FREE cocktails...or champagne if you're a media type......"I only drink champagne!!!!!"
-random celebrity faces (apologies but only know character names)

Eastenders:
Nanna Moon
Dot Cotton
Robbie Jackson
The three brothers who's father disappeared after the actor was deported
Dennis Watts lookalikie (heated debate over that one!)

Hollyoaks:
The lovely Tony (what?!?)
Abby-scarey skinny in real life
Chloe-still needs to sort out those split ends (PPQ's words not mine)
Darren-bling in real life
Jake-Woohoo
Random H/oaks extras

Coronation Street:
Miss Popoff (I am clearly a fan of Rentaghost not Corrie)

Family Affairs:
Gareth Hale....or is it Pace?!?!?

Emmerdale (farm):
Marylin (as she was known on Home & Away)

-Met fellow random invitees, who amused us by popping out to Burger King and returning with burger and fries

-Goodie bags with lots of lovely goodies

Little Gems....

2004-09-27T13:40:00.000+01:00

Not only has she provided me with some great lessons over the years, but she has surpassed herself this time. The Doozer came out this little gem:

"Seize the Day.............

................but don't come crying to me when it all goes wrong"

Gotta love her.

All the best lines.....

2004-09-25T11:48:00.000+01:00

Don't you just love it when you're out in a classy joint on a Friday and you have civilised conversations with your fellow friday night revellers.....bah what am I talking about?!?!?!?

I heard the best line last night, despite the sleaze of it. I think that it would be difficult to top:

"Here, feel.......I have no balls.......they're in Singapore"

Needless to say none of us lovely ladies took him up on his offer.

Genius.....

2004-09-24T15:56:00.000+01:00

I know I'm really good at maudlin, but I thought that I would let you into a little secret.....I'm not always. As evidence of this-my day so far.....

Absolutely delicious lie in

Away half day with my team at my house

Team of 1 totally enthused

Extended lunch hour with departing boss and rest of team at Waggamamas

Back to office at three
-updating blog writing and reading
-PPQ and I demonstrate the skills we learnt at Groove FX dance class
-Debate over who was on tea-making duty
-Leaving speeches for my boss-she got a whip as one of her leaving presents!
-PPQ "testing" our said whip

Much laughing and hilarity.....I'm not sure I can cope, I might have to go and drop a filing cabinet on my foot!!!!!

Which is worse......

2004-09-23T09:30:00.000+01:00

.....vomiting after a huge consumption of alcohol, or vomiting after copious amounts of exercise? I have done both this week, and am not sure as to which I should aspire.

See Adrian, I do need to be on that mailing list!

Dancing Queen

2004-09-22T21:06:00.000+01:00

Normally when you ask someone how they are, the response is "OK" or anything on the plus side. But I know that the true sign of friendship is when they don't reply with the obligatory positive response.

I'm worried for Dancing Queen, my partner in crime for many years; when she signs off her communications with "things aren't going well".

She has taken this tone with me of "Don't worry about me". This is OK with some friends, I would take this as read and stop haranguing them.

But not DQ, the party animal, the person who always stamped on my fears and threw me into the oncoming traffic for a game of chicken.

She's not well and she tries to put every obstacle in my way in order to dissuade me from just jumping on a train. I can't take her sadness, but I can understand it.

Calm before the storm.....

2004-09-22T17:30:00.000+01:00

I think that I have moved into a really surreal period in my life, I know that every day is new and so you should treat it as such. But I don't think I've been here before. Being.

Monica-esquely, I have always had my future planned out career, love life, social life, holidays, family; yadayadablahblahblah. I now feel completely flat. Sure I laugh and cry, mostly like a manic depressive with OCD usually. But nothing sits well with me. Perhaps it's too many downers that have conteracted the things that use to make me high.

Think I need to go home to be reminded of the person I started off as before I become the person I'm feeling

Thyme and Sage

2004-09-20T14:13:00.000+01:00

I think that it is really important to hold in your head some classic self help trash, because some time you'll need to remind yourself (or others) :

a) Don't let your past dictate your future
b) Feel the fear and do it anyway
c) Don't let other people project their baggage onto you!

And so after ALL this thyme, I can now say I feel like an old sage.

What also helps is the release of concupiscent pressure!

Are you sure that I have to do that?

2004-09-16T09:59:00.000+01:00

"OK, OK Nathan-I put it where? Oh you're such a gent!"

"thanks for stepping out the room while I adjust my heart rate monitor"!

Yes I had my first one-2-one Gym instruction with the lovely Nathan! First bit of proper exercise since January. At first I thought that this would not be a good idea, as I have never really been good with pounding all the air out of me on a treadmill!

But seeing as I've kicked the cigarettes, I thought I'd have a go!

And it was quite a revelation-I discovered two things about myself:

a) exercise actually does make me feel really good
b) I can get my heart rate up to heart attack levels (this was at the point when 'Nath' asked me how I was feelin'!)

And no pain this morning!!!

What's it all about alfie?

2004-09-13T21:34:00.000+01:00

Hmn
What's it all about.....life and relationships hey?

I usually credit my reading of people as being accurate-even if my responses are not. But I don't do waltzing......don't want moon on a stick.

Actually want venus' moon on a silver stick, with nice little satin ribbons.

Interesting how your expectations of life etc suddenly shoots way up after you've had nine years of the shittiest expectations and trampled dreams...must be kinetic energy.

Blah.....it's all too complicated....and tiresome

Answers on a postcard to.....Moonchild moon on a stick appeal!!!!!

Counting.....

2004-09-13T12:26:00.000+01:00

Yeh, three days with out the nick sticks.....and I feel fine!

Actually, not sure that I like the smell of London and this sore throat and tight chest is doin' my head in!!

Thank god for strepsils and brandy!

The Value of a £5 note...

2004-09-12T13:53:00.000+01:00

The other night I found a £5 note. just lying there in front of me. I'm one of those people that if I find money, I hand it in. But I figured that there was not much point in doing that in a busy Soho bar, as it would probably end up in the till. So, I popped it in my pocket and left.

I walked back towards Oxford Street and passed a guy we had seen earlier. I stopped. turned around and stuffed the £5 note into his hand. He gave me such a look of surprise.

After all it wasn't my money to keep, and so I felt it was destiny to give it to this one homeless guy who'd stayed stationary in the time it took us to finish two bottles of wine!!

PPQ said I would get good karma.

I remembered when I was a child, the offertory plate was passed around and I would dig into my purse and pull out 20p. My faith always taught me to give and you shall receive.

Sometimes I do allow myself to fall into that trap. I come out with the old line "why do I give so much, and am still waiting for something back". It's as if I have always been told that this is what I should expect.

But I realised, walking up the road in the morning sun, that it's not the potential of receiving that I do this for.

It's because I love giving. I love the feeling of giving love and affection. Giving time, giving reflection. Just doing something for someone else every day. No matter how small it matters to me. So now all the rants, the whinging, all the anger I have thrown at myself, the self loathing and paranoia seem........pointless

Good Books......

2004-09-02T22:31:00.000+01:00

I don't have a bad book. I'm an optimist and everyone I meet goes into my good book. Occasionally one of the names gets a mark against it, for some minor misdemeanor. Yet the mark is erasable like the misdemeanor.

In my good book I reserve one page for the man of the moment. There's only ever one man on there,'cause I'm not capricious. I set my sights on one person and fall for them completely and utterly.

Inspired by a friend, and tired of my continued ruminating; I followed my new rule for life 'Go with your gut feeling'. I stuck my neck out and emailed him a flirtatious waltz. I considered all the scenarios, otherwise known as over analysing. But I figured plucking up the courage to display my affection couldn't receive a totally bad response.

So I did.

What I got back.

He suggested in a round about fashion, that I shift my affections to his mate who was "keen and easy to manipulate". Sorry did moonchild just leave the room, only to be replaced by her evil twin sister!

How can this man discern from one mutually good evening that I am this. I have my faults, but all of them self destructive. I do not have a manipulative bone in my body.

I do not have the hard scales of a boa contrictor. My skin is as thin as a new born baby, desperately trying to maintain my tabula rasa when it comes to relationships.

I had a high opinion of him, 'cause he buzzed with life and confidence, and he made me buzz for the first time in ages. I didn't realize that it was the buzz of a bomb coming to hit me.

I don't need anyone elses baggage thrown at me, I have enough of my own thanks!

I thought I was emerging as a jelly fish, but I guess it's safer to remain a crab; less chance of being poked at by a kid with a large stick. Mind you I seem to be handing out the sticks for them to stick me with at the moment.

Therapy tune of the moment: forget "Fool on the Hill" bring on...... " She will be loved"

Fool on the Hill....

2004-09-02T19:38:00.000+01:00

Love this song.....partly 'cause it's great song, but there are some days when I feel like the fool, well elements of anyway.

Day after day alone on the hill,
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still,
But nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool,
And he never gives an answer,
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning around.

Well on his way his head in a cloud,
The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud
But nobody ever hears him,
Or the sound he appears to make,
And he never seems to notice,
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning around.

And nobody seems to like him
They can tell what he wants to do.
And he never shows his feelings,
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning around.

He never listens to them,
He knows that they are the fools
They don't like him,
The fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning around.

Bank Holiday Tuesday

2004-08-31T12:18:00.000+01:00

Not even a monday and I have a 50 hour week to look forward to-sorry boss rant again
.........and if he refers to me as darlin' again, I'm going to rip his sleazy mouth off and shove it up his arse!!

New friend etiquette

2004-08-24T10:46:00.000+01:00

I tentatively went to BBQ on Saturday where I knew one only person well and had only previously met a number of them once.....on a drunken evening in July (no change there then). I was saved from facing this ordeal alone by dragging along another of my friends who knew no-one. This did not help greatly.

There is an assumption that I embrace new friendships with gusto, and the majority of the time I do try. However, this social gathering was different; I felt myself retreat into the shy self-conscious teenager that I used to be. It may have something to do with the fact that I tried to broach a conversation with the clique in the corner of the patio. There response 'SORRY WE DO NOT SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE-ARE YOU MARTIAN?" This was the point at which I said to my friend " so how long do you want to stay then?"

She hadn't seen it in my face before, nor the way that I purveyed my sense of rejection.

She picked me up, refilled my wine glass and said " not long"

Several hours, several glasses of wine, several conversations later I felt much better. Sustained by confirmations that "that lot in the corner were very cliquy and had left the party for pastures new" I just don't handle rude people well, I never understand what I should say or do that would result in people responding to me that way. We reached the end of the evening drunkenly taking numbers and exchanging 'much catch up soons'.

However, one etiquette must be maintained. It's that point at which you take people's numbers, but you rigidly assess who is allowed you're number *it's a girl thing*.

My friend who accompanied me received 2 texts yesterday-but only gave her number out once!

I feel a responsibility to chastise the new friend offender when I seen him tonight...but seeing as she said that she would have given the third party her number if he had asked in the first place; he's let off.....on this occasion.

.....back now

2004-08-19T11:33:00.000+01:00

I thought is best to avoid posting for a while in the fear that my feelings would pollute my blog............gasping surfers would float up on the shores of my post covered in tar and oil. Blame the huge conglomerate that has no consideration for environmental devastation.

My life has changed so much in the last year. I am not sure that it's so much for the better, or just different. I used to have to make a decision between two paths, but now I have so many I need a map. Well now, do I take that one short but uphill route, or do I take that one which requires good walking boots.

What if you take one path and find that when you get there you're disappointed. I suppose that you just rest at the nearest Inn and start back on your journey the next day. An individual plagued by indecision and 'what ifs', I always try to limit my options in order to reduce the 'dwell time'.

The Doozer gave me a great allegory, which seems to have rested my frantic state. In life we all carry a back pack. When we have life changing events, whether it be death or broken relationships, we put them in the back pack. Slinging the back pack over your shoulder is hard because you have suddenly added to the weight you're carrying. But over time, you don't notice the additional weight, because you've got stronger.

I would like to add to this. Back packs are not inclined to keeping their contents all neat and tidy-so it doesn't really matter what state you throw stuff in there. Just dump it in, pull the drawstring and get on with your journey.

Brings a more positive outlook to the emotional baggage scenario.

If you open, they will come....

2004-08-01T16:57:00.000+01:00

Yes...I'm ashamed....I have succumbed to the huge vortex which is SUNDAY SHOPPING.

There are many reasons why this little trip out is very disconcerting to me......
a)many years ago, when I was a young slip of a thing, I used to work in a shop and could be found muttering in a corner on a Yuletide Sunday."Why does everyone insist on coming into town to shop on a Sunday".
If they didn't demand it, we wouldn't have been forced to work. As I thought then, 'lets all pray that this remains a festive thing and not turn our 6 day retail week into a 7 day'. It's happened!

b) I've been brought up a catholic, and whilst I don't attend church (hence the small "c") I do believe that Sunday's remain sacred. They should be the only day of the week when families, no matter what shape or form; should come together to celebrate each other's existence.

c)I've just spent a load of money I'd don't have. Correction. They were birthday vouchers, but being of the "feel guilty about everything" faith; this doesn't count!

However.....and there's always a 'however', I am glad that I have done something proactive with my Sunday; rather than vegging in front of the tellie....AND I can countermand all my own arguments:
a)I do not work in retail anymore
b)I really don't want to contemplate my own existence-urgh!
c)they were vouchers...already!

Also, it gives me something to write about, which neither work or inclination has allowed of late.

Wake me up before you go go

2004-07-21T09:27:00.000+01:00

When I moved six months ago, one of the joys was that I am now at the end of the tube line. This is great.....Because I have a tendency of falling asleep (after debauched nights out) and ending up in the wilds of Essex. Then there's the nightmare of trying to locate the local taxi firm, and queuing with your fellow sleepy heads. By the time you get home the birds are singing their dawn chorus.

However, since I've moved I have not been able to test my theory that if I am at the end of the line that I will automatically wake up when my journey is complete......Until last night!

Unfortunately, I could not test my hypotheses; as one of the other passengers woke me up, which was very kind of him............

......But did you have to repeatedly kick me to do so!

A gentle tap on the shoulder would have done it.

....I'm turning into my mother!

2004-07-20T10:15:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the lack of transmission lately, hormones took the better of me and and left me with an empty shell of depression. I've recently spent a lot of time by myself, and whilst I was in a relationship, shortly followed up by living in a shared house; I thought it was a good idea to have time in my own company. .....OK this is not a good idea!

Time by myself leads to eating crap food, vegging in front of the TV and procrastinating over all those things that I would do if I had time to myself. Now, I realise that I am better off being the 'monica' freak that I am; organising away and worrying about whether I have done the washing up or not...'cause that is who I am, not this person who has a fantastic individual, highly motivated single life.

Oh yes, I noticed that I have started putting out the cutlery and crockery for my breakfast in the morning......oh my god I'm my mother!

Tired......

2004-07-08T14:12:00.000+01:00

I'm tired....

Tired of my bosses inappropriate & exhaustive delegation

Tired of putting up with the post relationship stuff

Tired of lacking motivation

Tired of the incessant chomping next to me *insert ear plugs*

Tired of not having anything to look forward to

Tired of not seizing the day

Just tired

The kind of tired where you just want to go to bed....Indefinitely.

...And I miss hugs. Not the relationship type that I affectionately term 'cuddles'

But the one's where someone hugs you and then you're convinced that everything will turn out alright in the end.

Hormonally yours, Moonchild

Moonface....

2004-07-06T23:00:00.000+01:00

Why are certain men so shit, they don't want to keep you; but they will not let you go. I have probably put myself in the situation! What situation? Without Moonfaces approval to be free of him I cannot look at other men without feelin' like I'm cheating on him....is that his plan?!?!? And, I so want to move on from this......

Feet....Freak

2004-07-05T13:24:00.000+01:00

My name is moonchild and I like feet!

On Saturday I was merrily drunk at a friend's BBQ, having a lovely drunken ramble with a friend of a friend. When I was pleasantly surprised that he picked up my foot, removed my shoe and proceeded to...well massage my foot. Feeling slightly guilty for receiving such intimate attention from a man *hmn, it has been a while* and being hilariously drunk; I picked up his foot and returned the favour.

Several blissful moments later, my dear friend the queen of paranoia viewed this "romantic" scene and exclaimed "you freaks!"... Well duuur, yes I am a freak.
I cannot speak for the kind gent of course.

The following morning...I could feel a quiet simmer of interrogation awaiting me. Bless them they did wait until the Hollyoaks omnibus had finished..."well, what was goin' on there then"

Goddammit it was just a foot-rub people! I cannot account for everyone else's aversion to feet, but they are fine things. Any guy who will give you a foot-rub, with no begging and bribery involved (ex-moonface) must be a star.

Power [walking] to the people...

2004-06-30T13:23:00.000+01:00

Ok....Tube strike today!

6.00am:Fall out of bed and into the shower
6.30am:Try to style new hairstyle...give up, no time for brekkie
7.00am:Arrive at my local overland station, inspired by the few people on the platform...by the time the first train comes the platform is packed and have to wait for the next train
8.05am:Arrive at Liverpool Street...my claustraphobia kicks in on the packed platform, as we shuffle through the barriers
8.08am:Collect my complimentary central london map from LU-Thanks
8.10am:Follow throngs of people down broad street,then queen victoria...."god, can't you move any faster!"
8.15am:Past St. Pauls....god dammit-I took a wrong turn!
8.25am:The guy who stood behind me on the train, walks past me. 'He's slow,I took a detour!'
8.45am:See Boris Johnson, looking like an prematurely-aged school boy; frantically pedalling his mountain bike up High Holborn
9.00am Struggle past the huge queues outside HMV (Summer sale) on Oxford Street. Where several neon stilt-walkers comment that "it is like walking too close to the cliff edge"
9.15am:Arrive at my desk sweating like a pig who bought a fleece for his Antartic expedition and only got as far as Australia.

After all this you would think that I would be well p*ssed off!
.....au contaire mes amies
I'm f'in jubilant
....why?
A number of reasons
a)everyone is in the same predicament of struggling to work, consequently there is the wartime mentality of blaming the enemy-LU! Chatting with and smiling at your fellow passengers; which you would rarely see on your average daily commute
b)There is a mass exodus of people walking down from Liverpool Street, that promotes a festival atmosphere
c)You see the surreal sights of men in formal work shirts with their lower halves bedecked in bermuda shorts and loafers. Girls struggling to walk any distance in high heel shoes. Finally, the professionals who have donned their trainers and army-issue backpacks.
d)Enforced excercise which repletes your lungs of oxygen
e)you realise what a fantastic city you live in
plus)you see a cute guy behind you on the train, and then he catches up with you on the walk towards Oxford Street....must be destiny

Do you know what though...my ecstatic mood is ruined by arriving at work
-getting an email from my recent-ex saying Happy Birthday
*only 4 days late*

aaarrrrrrggh!!!!!

I'm an Inventor

2004-06-23T18:22:00.000+01:00

Eureka!
I've invented a new sport..it's called Extreme Multitasking. Not only do you have numerous jobs and projects to complete, where all your colleagues don't give a s**te what other work you have to do so long as you get theirs done first, but you get to do it half way up a mountain with a computer strapped to your back, numerous folders in one arm and the phone to your ear.

And guess what you win if you come first.......a s**te salary and no work/home balance

good hey??!!?

Gathering popularity...I could develop it into a the Extreme work olympics featuring 'extreme negotiation'...throwing suppliers off mountains when you don't get what you want.

Then there could be extreme office party, where lots of drunk people get squashed onto a tiny boat on the thames...

wait a minute...already did that

I think that I've got something here?!?!?

Time is all relative...

2004-06-22T17:50:00.000+01:00

Finally, despite my post of "Launching in three days..." I have finally got round to writing my first post. Well you didn't really believe that God created earth in seven days did you !?!?

Erm... well what now?
Well I suppose I should put forward a blogging manifesto*:
1)I promise I will not use this as space to whinge, but being the fairer sex; I have the right to change my mind
2)I promise that it will be full of rambles and rants
3)I promise that I will never be able to maintain this on a daily basis...but I will try
4)I promise that I will try to write some serious (oposed to jokey)stuff
*I have the right to revoke any of the blog obligations at anytime, due to indecision

Ma and Pa....no more nagging already! Southern american drawl

Because we're worth it

2004-06-06T01:12:00.000+01:00

CT: Colin smells of wee and poo

CG: No I bloody don't. That's really gonna help me pull...

LS: It's because he's a boy-o

EW: Everything's nubile and bloody not agile. Alright?!

SG: You're bloody wrong, the dictionary says so...cretinous heathens....

And to end this snapshot in time...la singe est dans l'arbre

Under construction...

2004-05-14T18:18:00.000+01:00

Launching in 3 days and counting...